*Warning: Large spew area ahead!
We have had an extra child living with us since October 2007. It's a really long story that I haven't been able to adequately write about. He was my very first day care baby, I've known him and his mom longer than I've known my children. He used to be good friends with my son, sadly they are not anymore. The last few months have been a huge strain on my family and I'm really sick of it.
A few months ago I was prompted to write a letter to S (the wolf's mom). She had told a mutual acquaintance that she was angry with me for keeping the wolf away from her. She blamed Handy Man and I instead of taking responsibility for what she did. I was beyond angry and frankly I still am. I wrote the letter May 2008 but didn't send it. Instead of trying to write the story and failing yet again, I've decided to post the letter here with some name changes, to keep things anonymous and with some editorializing. Here is the letter never sent:
Dear S,
I’m also sending this to J, J (the wolf's sisters) and C (the wolf's grandma). You four are the most important people in the wolf's life, you all had a hand in raising him and you all need to hear this.
This letter should have been written months ago but I kept hoping the situation with the wolf would improve. Unfortunately it hasn’t and possibly too much time has gone by for improvements, I don’t know. What I do know is I have a few things to say, much of it you won’t want to hear and some of it will just be me venting, but I need to get some things off my chest.
S, you have been the most devoted mother I ever had the privilege of knowing. I have always admired you. You are a very successful business woman, smart and responsible. You raised three great kids. The wolf is great at our house. He does chores (when asked), his own laundry, and cooks his own food when he needs to. He is very grateful for every little thing we do. (Side note, he did NONE of these things when living with S and in fact was very mean and rude to her. She allowed this behavior from him by never asking him to do anything and never telling him to stop treating her so badly. I believe it's a huge part of their "issues". She let him walk all over her from the time he was born.)
Up until a year ago he had a place to call his own. A place shared only with you. For 17 years the only other person he occasionally had to share you and his home with was M (his dad) and he didn’t like that very much. Seventeen years is a long time, his whole life. During that time he basically got everything he wanted. You doted on him he didn’t want for anything, unexpectedly that all changed for him, without warning. Suddenly he is sharing his home and his mom with a stranger. J (the b/f) wasn’t a stranger to you, but he was no one to the wolf.
It was never anyone’s intent, even the wolf's, that you not continue your relationship with J. All he wanted, and I think many agree, is that you date for a few months not move him in right away. This was something the wolf needed to get used to, something that needed to be discussed with him, something where you both would have had to make some concessions. The wolf was never given those opportunities. I know you think that your personal life with J was something that only involved you and J, but that’s just not true. You cannot raise a child one way for his whole life, then change everything in one afternoon and expect everything to be all roses and happiness.
Soon after J moved in the wolf asked us if he could live with us. We said no. We told him he needed to work this out with you. That’s when he moved in with his aunt and uncle where M (his dad) was living. We wondered how that was going to work being that M didn’t have a job or a car or money or even his own place to live. We were not comfortable with that and didn’t see how that was going to solve anything. We were very relieved when he moved back home with you. We were hopeful that you two (three counting J) would work things out. I’m not sure what went on, but I have a feeling there was not much communication. The wolf would complain to us about J, how he didn’t like him, how he had no job, no car, no money, how he watched tv all day, how he didn’t trust him at all and didn’t want to be alone with him. We gave J the benefit of the doubt. You sang his praises. We stood back and didn’t want to get involved. We never wanted to get involved, but when you have a child crying out for help sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do.
The night Handy Man met J was a turning point. Handy Man saw terrified children and three very threatening men when he arrived at your house. I know you don’t see J and his relatives as threatening and don’t believe they were that night, but the fact remains that every other person there, including Handy Man, felt threatened. I know you think they were all exaggerating. Whether they were in any danger or not is not the point, the point is they all felt they were. Would you agree with keeping a child in a situation when they feel they are in danger? Is that acceptable? Wouldn’t you want to do anything you could to make them feel safe? If this was happening with J or J (S's grandchildren) would you want them to stay in a situation where they feel scared and threatened? The fact that you so easily dismissed the wolf's feelings of being scared for his safety is disturbing.
(Side Note for clarification: The night Handy Man met J, S was out of town. The wolf decided to have a few friends over, including SWS. Apparently J had the same idea and had his brother and cousin over too. The men were drinking and listening to music; the kids were in the other room watching a movie. The wolf asked the men to turn the music down (I'm sure he was very snotty about it) because they couldn't hear the movie. This is the point everything gets messy. I know, without a doubt that the teens got snotty, they admitted to it. But the men were worse. They said sexually threatening things to SWS g/f and her friend. J threatened the wolf, "I can't touch you now, but when you're 18 your mine." Lot's of shouting and threatening ensued. SWS called Handy Man to come get them. He was scared, they all were. When Handy Man arrived, J came out of the house with his "family" behind him. He said to HM, "Let's talk about this man to man." HM told him he had nothing to say to J with the two very large men standing behind him that he was just there to pick up the kids and go. Later HM told me it was very intimidating. When we talked to S about all this she was very dismissive and said none of those things happened, that the kids were exaggerating. "J and his family don't drink and the enormous cousin is a teddy bear and would never hurt anyone".)
Believe me the last thing HM and I wanted was to have the wolf move in with us. It’s been a hardship on us in many ways. We were expecting it to be a short term situation. It’s gone beyond short term. Things you agreed to do haven’t happened. First and most importantly you agreed to seek counseling for yourself and the wolf to work things out. That hasn’t happened. We expected to be compensated monetarily for the extra money we spend on food, gas and utilities to have an extra person living with us. That hasn’t happened either.
We haven’t made things easy on the wolf either. Anything extra he wants he has to buy himself. Anywhere he wants to go he has to find his own way, or not go. When he wants help with things, we make him wait, sometimes for weeks. He doesn’t want for the essentials, he has a roof over his head and food. But he doesn’t have the extras that come with having a family.
He is turning 18 and graduating soon. Huge milestones! You should be very proud of him. Through all of this he has continued to go to school. He gets excellent grades. He doesn’t do drugs or drink, which is a miracle considering his circumstances. How you can go about your daily life and not do everything you can to try and mend your relationship with him is beyond me. I’m angry and frustrated, I can only imagine how he feels.
What’s he going to do after graduation? Where will he be when fall comes? Has anyone asked themselves that? Handy Man and I haven’t talked to him about this yet. We don’t know what he’s doing and I doubt he does either. He’s had no guidance. He should have had a parent or a sibling giving him advice. Does he want to go to college? He had good enough grades that he could have gotten scholarships. Did anyone help or guide him in that direction? Does he want to take a year off and travel? Does he just want to work and go to college later? We are the people he lives with, we are not his family. We have our own kids to raise and guide. He doesn’t have many choices now. He’s on his own and it’s really sad.
Like I said before I’m angry and frustrated, but mostly I’m just sad. I’m sad that the wolf has to live with us. I’m sad he hasn’t seen his grandma in months, or his sisters either, from what I can tell; not to mention his nieces. I’m sad that my relationship with you feels like it’s been severed. I’m sad that you didn’t stick with seeing a counselor to fix your relationship with your son. I’m sad because now I think it might be too late to fix. The whole situation is sad.
I don’t understand how things got to this point. Really, how did things get here? Is there anyone more important in your life than your children? Would you not do everything you could to maintain a relationship with them? Maybe you blame us? If you do, we accept that blame, but don’t expect us to say we’re sorry for doing what we believe saved your son from living on the street or worse. I decided to write this letter for many reasons. I needed to get this stuff off my chest. I wanted you all to know how angry, sad and frustrated I am. I wanted you to know the wolf doesn’t have it so good at our house. I wanted to remind you that you have a son, a brother and a grandson who miss his family. He’s very angry with S and doesn’t want to see her, but does that mean he can’t see the rest of you?
That's where I ended but never sent it.
The really sad thing that S doesn't seem to understand or is completely ignoring is that everyone in her family dislikes and distrusts J. She thinks there is something wrong with everyone else and J is perfect. I know love is blind, but that's ridiculous!
To follow up, the wolf has graduation and turned 18. He works two part time jobs and has been saving money to move out. We gave him a deadline of April 1, 2009. He pays us $100 a month for room and board. His mom did take him out to practice driving in support of the Drivers Ed class he took. We were really hoping for some progress to be made in healing their relationship, but there wasn't.
Being completely honest here, he drives us all crazy. I feel horrible saying that, but it's true. He has no social skills, he butts in on conversations, he'll stay in his boxers and t-shirt all day playing video games on his days off, he doesn't' clean up after himself unless asked.
I'm just venting here so bear with me.
He'll use our TV to play video game and watch movies, even though he has his own TV. He will use the last of the butter, milk, flour, eggs, etc and not tell us. We've talked to him about all these things, but he's a typical teen who thinks he's one of the family.
I can't even tell you how sick SWS and DD are of him. They leave the room when he enters. The stress at our house is high. The wolf has no friends so if he's not at work he's at home. I'm so conflicted because I feel really bad for him. He doesn't want to move out alone, but he can't find a roommate. He's scared to be alone.
His sisters, aunts and grandma sing our praises and say the are grateful for what we are doing, but none of them have stepped up to take responsibility.
I warned there would be much spewing!
April 1st cannot come soon enough.
