Delusions of... Everything

Optimist/Pessimist

Generally I'm an optimistic person.  I see the glass as half full.  I tend to have faith that everything will work out.  I see problems as challenges.  Handy Man on the other hand is totally the opposite.  He worries that things will not work out.  A problem comes up and he thinks of the worse case scenario. 

The other day the computer went cattywompus (yes it's a real word, here is the urban dictionary definition - topsy-turvy; weird; To be all helter skelter and askew. Not functioning on all cylinders, or just plain strange.)  That exactly describes what the desk top looked like.  It was all big and jumped around every time the mouse was moved.  It was dizzying to look at.  Handy Man's first reaction was it needed to be taken into the shop.  My first reaction was, Star Wars Son can fix it when he gets home from school.

It turned out the mouse scroll knob got pushed while the apple button was pushed, or something like that... which magnified the screen.  You know who figured it out after some brainstorming with both the kids?  Handy Man... the chronic pessimist who initially said it needed to go into the shop ended up fixing it.

It's been very difficult for me to stay optimistic in my job search when I know Handy Man is in the wings thinking we are doomed to a life of poverty.  The interesting thing is that I can totally understand his fears.  It's possible we will have to pay the mortgage on two houses for a few months before our rental house sells.  That is very scary.  Super scary.

I'm a firm believer in the power of positive thinking.  However, when surrounded by heavy negativity it's very difficult for me to draw a positive thought.  I'm struggling on the edge of depression.  Some days I don't even want to get out of bed let alone pick up my camera, write daily or read my book (I've been reading the same book since the first of the year).

Yet I'm powering on.  I do get up every morning.  I work out 3-4 times a week.  I'm showering.  I'm reading your blogs.  I'm applying for jobs.  I'm even cooking dinner (mostly) and doing the dishes.  Every one of those things has been a huge chore.  At the end of every day I'm congratulating myself for being productive and hoping I can get up and do it all over again the next day.  That's the best I've got at the moment.

Now I'm off to look for my optimism and apply for more jobs.

Funk

It's official, I'm in an epic funk.

I had a post written but after reading it over I decided it was too depressing so I deleted it...

Just take my word for it, I'm in an epic funk.

This made me smile a bit...

I'll be posting about the play some time this week.

Observations

It's no secret I've been feeling down for a few weeks.  I've tried to stay positive in my thoughts and actions.  I let the house cleaning slip a few times and didn't make dinner as expected more than I care to admit.  While I could tell these things irritated Handy Man he never said anything to me, with words, but I knew he wasn't thrilled.   He knows I haven't been my usual self and he's given me some room to be, which I appreciate more than I can say.  I'm beating myself up enough for not doing things as it is, I'm glad he hasn't added to it.

Since we've had a couple days of simply amazing weather, I mean really even beyond amazing, I'm discovering that I might have seasonal depression.  I've heard of people experiencing this, but never thought too much about it.  I've always enjoyed winter, call me weird.  I look forward to fall because I know winter is close behind.  I don't like being hot, so summer and I have not gotten along all that well.  But let me tell you the last three days of sunshine and warmth has rejuvenated me.

I worked in the yard weeding, pruning and planting.  I washed the car.  I sat in the sun in the courtyard and read my book.  I watched the dog and the cat bask in the sun in the courtyard.  I ate lunch outside on Monday.  I made iced tea!  I sat on the edge of the pond and watched the fish dart around.  I felt like I was on vacation, when actually I've done more work around the house than I have in a long time.

It's not the new supplement making me feel better either, I stopped taking it.  It helped me sleep, but it also made me feel strange.  I can't really describe it, but I just felt odd, kind of foggy I guess.  And it upset my stomach.  I stopped taking it on Saturday and by Sunday night was back to not sleeping well again, but I'm ok with that, for now.

I have an appointment for a physical coming up and will be curious to see what comes of that.  I'm insisting on having a blood test to see if I'm truly menopausal.  The doctor I'm seeing is very open to natural remedies, so I'm hopeful she will be able to help with what ails me.

Because of the nice weather I dug my capri pants out of the back of the closet, since I can't wait to be out of my winter wardrobe, even if it's only temporary.  I feel like I've gained at least 20 pounds through the very inactive winter I've had.  With much reluctance I tried on all five pairs, happily every single pair still fit just like last year.  Big sigh of relief.  I only feel like I've gained weight.  It must be my mood that made me feel heavier.

I'll be enjoying another day of sunshine and warmth today!  What will you be doing?

Not the Post I Was Planning...

I need a change of scenery.  I'll be going on a weekend away with the girls in a few weeks, which will help, but it's a few weeks away!

It's no secret that I'm seriously fighting a case of the blehs.  I've had the blehs for a week, which is manageable, usually.  I get the blehs now and again, we all do.  Normally after a week I would feel things turning around, but it's not happening yet.  If I'm still feeling this way after my weekend away with the girls I plan to make an appointment to see a doctor.

For the Star Wars fans out there I'm feeling like Lando in Return of the Jedi.  Remember the scene where Luke, Han and Chewbacca are about to be thrown in the Carkoon pit where the creature called the Sarlacc will spend the next 1000 or so years digesting them?  Lando accidentally falls into the pit and one of the Sarlacc's tentacles grabs on to his leg and tries pulling him down.  Meanwhile Han, who can barely see because he's just come out of carbon freezing, is trying to pull Lando up out of the pit.  It all ends happily with Han shooting the sarlacc's tentacle with his blaster, this releases Lando leg and Han pulls him out of the pit, but it was touch and go for a while.  (I hope I don't lose readers with my unnatural Star Wars knowledge.  The only fact I had to look up was the name of the pit where the sarlacc lived.  Yes, I really am a woman!  Yes, I really am a geek.)

Anyway I feel like I'm being pulled into a pit, while also being pulled away from the pit.  Right now it feels like both sides are losing, this is both good and bad news.   I'm doing my best to move away from the pit.  The one thing that has worked for me in the past is creating.  Not just any creating, but putting my hand to paper.  It could be poem writing, painting or drawing.  I haven't had an urge to paint or write poetry, but I have been drawing, in the abstract.  This means I haven't been reading, books or blogs.  I've been trying to catch up on my blog reading and commenting today, but I'm still way behind.  This also means the people (and by people, I mean Daryl) who signed up for this activity I'm doing will get something recently drawn... Notice I didn't say anything about nice, pretty, pleasing to the eye, just recently drawn! 

This wasn't the post I had planned when I started typing.  I had plans to post of bunch of pictures of a scene I can't wait to see again, but my brain took my typing fingers somewhere else.  I'll save the change of scenery post for next time.

What do all of you do to pull yourselves out the the pit?!